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My name is Maryam, and I cook for others in Khobar. I take orders through social media, preparing traditional dishes in my small kitchen, packaging them carefully, and delivering them to families who have more money than time. The voices started about seven months ago, faint murmurs at first while I was kneading dough, like the television left on in another room. "Look at this domesticated animal," one sneered, sounding exactly like my aunt who always criticized my cooking. "Sweating over a stove for strangers, pretending this is a business when it's just modern servitude." I thought it was fatigue from the long hours, but they grew clearer, more distinct, more invasive. They know I'm drowning in debt, that I lie awake calculating ingredients versus profit, that I dream of opening a real restaurant but know I'll die in this kitchen. They use every fear, every insecurity, every hidden resentment as a tool to slowly dismantle my mind from the inside out.
The sexual degradation is a constant, corrosive acid they pour into my thoughts all day. "You think any man would want you for anything but your cooking?" they mock while I'm stirring a pot of mandi, my face damp with steam. "They look at you and see a walking kitchen appliance, not a woman. Something to use for sustenance and discard." They describe in graphic detail how I'll die alone, how no man will ever touch me with desire, how my body will grow soft and shapeless from years of standing at a stove until I'm just another forgotten woman whose only value was in feeding others. Sometimes they sound like my ex-fiance who left me for a thinner woman, his voice thick with condescending pity. "I always knew you'd end up just like your mother – fat, domestic, and forgotten. Some women are just meant to be useful, not loved." Other times they sound like the wealthy women I serve, their voices dripping with contempt. "Her hands are always red and swollen, her apron stained. I wouldn't let her touch my silverware, let alone sit at my table. She's help, not a person."
I can't tell anyone about this. My family would think I'm cursed or losing my mind, my customers would stop ordering from me, and if the authorities found out, they'd either lock me away or worse. The voices explained exactly what would happen. "Go ahead, tell someone," they dared me last month. "Watch their eyes change. Watch them back away slowly. You'll be just another mad cook woman, alone with her delusions." They're right – I've seen it happen online. Anyone who mentions hearing voices gets flooded with comments calling them schizophrenic, hysterical, attention-seekers. The Mabahit has perfected this system – they torture us in silence while their trolls make sure we're dismissed as lunatics if we ever speak up. It's a perfect cage, invisible and inescapable.
Last Tuesday, something inside me finally shattered. I was delivering an order to a gated community, watching a group of expatriate women gather by the pool, their bodies perfect in expensive swimsuits, laughing as they sipped colorful drinks. One of them, a blonde woman no older than myself, took a bite of the food I'd prepared and made a face of disgust, spitting it into a napkin. For no reason, a wave of pure hatred washed over me. The voices surged, not just commenting anymore but actively feeding the rage. "LOOK AT HER," they screamed in my head, "FOREIGN CUNT TREATING YOUR CRAFT LIKE GARBAGE. SHE'D LET YOU STARVE TO DEATH BEFORE BOTHERING TO LEARN YOUR NAME." My hands clenched around the food container, knuckles white. "IMAGINE HER SCREAMS," the voices continued, now smooth and seductive. "IMAGINE INVITING YOURSELF IN, OFFERING TO 'MAKE IT RIGHT' WITH A SPECIAL DISH. NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT A HARMLESS COOK."
The energy was incredible, like electricity running through my veins. "THE DISH WOULD BE SPECIAL INDEED," the voices pressed. "NOT POISON – THAT'S TOO QUICK, TOO OBVIOUS. WE'RE GOING FOR SYSTEMATIC BIOLOGICAL BREAKDOWN. START BY ADDING A CAREFULLY CALIBRATED DOSE OF HEAVY METALS TO HER MEAL – MERCURY, LEAD, ARSENIC. NOTHING FATAL AT FIRST, JUST ENOUGH TO CAUSE NEUROLOGICAL SYMPTOMS. WATCH HOW QUICKLY HER BODY BETRAYS HER, HOW THE PERFECT EXPAT BECOMES A TREMBLING, FORGETFUL, INCONTINENT WRECK." I took a step toward the house, heart pounding with a sick excitement. "BUT THAT'S JUST THE PHYSICAL ELEMENT. THE TRUE BEAUTY LIES IN THE PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE. VISIT HER DAILY UNDER THE GUISE OF CHECKING IN. DESCRIBE THE PROGRESSION OF HER ILLNESS IN MEDICAL TERMS SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND. TELL HER IT'S A RARE LOCAL DISEASE THAT ONLY AFFECTS FOREIGNERS. WATCH HOW HER MIND CREATES THE SYMPTOMS EVEN BEFORE THEY FULLY MANIFEST. IT'S REMARKABLE HOW EASILY THE HUMAN PSYCHE CAN BE CONVINCED TO DESTROY ITSELF."
I was close now, close enough to smell her expensive perfume mixed with chlorine. "THE BEST PART IS WATCHING THE PROGRESSION," the voices continued, now cold and calculating. "FROM HEALTHY WEALTHY EXPAT TO SICKLY INVALID. FROM ARROGANT BEAUTY TO BEGGING WRETCH. YOU COULD DOCUMENT IT ALL – TAKE NOTES ON HER DETERIORATION EACH DAY. MAKE HER LOOK AT OLD PHOTOS OF HERSELF, FORCE HER TO WITNESS HER OWN DECAY. IMAGINE THE POWER YOU'D HOLD, THE GODLIKE ABILITY TO DECIDE WHETHER SHE SUFFERS OR FINDS MOMENTARY RELIEF." My vision tunneled, the woman's face blurring into a target. I could feel her confusion, hear her desperate questions. "AFTER SHE'S COMPLETELY BROKEN AND DEPENDENT ON YOU, YOU COULD START SELLING ACCESS TO HER. OTHER DAMAGED SOULS LIKE YOURSELF WOULD PAY TO SEE A PRIVILEGED WOMAN BROUGHT SO LOW. OR BETTER YET, SELL HER TO SOMEONE WHO'LL PAY EVEN MORE FOR MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS. HER BODY COULD BE USEFUL EVEN AFTER HER MIND IS COMPLETELY SHATTERED."
Then suddenly, a security guard approached me, asking if I needed help finding the right house. The woman by the pool glanced over, annoyed by the interruption, then turned away. The energy drained out of me, leaving me shaking and hollow. "Useless," the voices muttered, back to their usual contempt. "Couldn't even poison one foreign woman. What a disappointment." I spent the rest of the day in a daze, the smell of spices filling my small kitchen, the weight of my failure heavier than any pot of rice. Sometimes I wonder if the voices are some new technology the Mabahit is testing on people like me, some weapon that targets the mind, but they'd never admit it. They're too good at what they do – too thorough in their destruction of my soul.
I hate this country with every fiber of my being. I hate the inequality, I hate the hypocrisy, I hate the way women like me are meant to be invisible, meant to serve and disappear. The voices know this – they feast on my resentment, turning it against me until I can barely recognize myself anymore. Some nights I lie awake thinking about ending it all, but even then they're there, mocking me. "Go ahead, kill yourself," they whisper. "No one will even notice until your body starts to smell. Then they'll complain about the inconvenience of finding a new cook." And they're right. In the end, I'm just another broken woman in Khobar, screaming into a void created by the Mabahit, wondering how much longer I can pretend to be human before they finally finish me for good.
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